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名师点评 | 大作文这样写才能打动雅思考官

导读

在上周末的模考中,我们收获了一篇来自北语雅思春季脱产班刘同学的难得佳作。文章在语言、结构、逻辑上都非常值得称道,远超目前雅思考生的平均水平,真正能够做到让雅思考官眼前一亮,从而心甘情愿给出高分。小伙伴们在欣赏刘同学大作的同时,一定要认真学习文中的点评,仔细揣摩如何才能写出打动雅思考官的文章。

 

(北语雅思原创文章,转载需授权)

Writing Task2

Some people think that strict punishments for driving offenses are the key to reducing traffic accidents. Others, however, believe that other measures would be more effective in improving road safety.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

通过阅读题目可以得知,本题共三句话,前两句针对“如何解决交通安全问题”分别提出两种观点,第三句给出任务。这类题目重点考察学生分析并表达观点的能力,综合性相对较强,因此也成为困扰许多考生的题型之一。

 

今天就带大家鉴赏一篇例文,首先揭秘分数:7.5

 

纳尼?!是不是已经有小伙伴泪眼婆娑,妥妥奉上了双膝,其实遇到大神,除了膜拜,我们更可以学习借鉴。


 

下面我们就从雅思的四项评分标准分别对这篇文章进行赏析:

 

1审题方面Task Response,文章紧扣主题,准确完整地回应了三项任务,有理有据,例证充分,如第二段中酒驾的事例以及第三段中“增加驾校学习时间”、“提高交规考试分值比例”等措施的罗列。

 

2结构方面(Coherence and Cohesion段间逻辑清晰,段内主题明确:第一段点明文章主题并亮出观点,第二段针对“违规驾驶应得到严厉处罚”这一提议的有效性进行举例论证,第三段详细阐述了其他的可能的有效措施,最后一段提出个人观点并对全文进行总结。此外,文章有效使用了诸如逻辑连接词(whereas, As far as I am concerned, for example)、代词指代(the former, those drivers)等衔接手段,全文的整体感较强。不过,段落之间的比例关系还可以再进一步完善。

 

3词汇方面(Lexical Resource,文章用词丰富,搭配准确,选词符合学术类文章的语体,如reckless drivers, dire consequences, severe punishment, substantive damage等;另外同义词的灵活转换insistsupport, drastically, significantlyphenomenally)亦为文章增色不少。当然可能由于应试的时间有限,文章也出现了个别如be in supportive of的笔误。

 

4)语法方面(Grammatical Range and Accuracy),文章共17个句子,其中复杂句(Complex Sentence)占到10个,囊括了主语从句、定语从句、状语从句等多种语法结构,兼有主被动句式及不同动词时态的灵活搭配,展示了作者很强的语言功底;同时除了个别地方存在失误,如since后面的动词应使用现在完成时(have done)等,全文几乎不存在语法错误。

 

 

While automobiles make people’s life more and more convenient, traffic accidents, as an unpleasant side product, have increased drastically in many countries, endangering road safety. Some people insist on strict punishments for reckless drivers who break the driving regulations whereas others support more modest measures to improve road safety. As far as I am concerned, I will choose to side with the former.

 

Strict laws and regulations against driving offenses can help prevent many traffic accidents from happening. Several years ago, driving after drinking or drunken driving became a serious problem plaguing many big cities in China. Not many drivers really cared about the light punishments even after they were caught red-handed by the police. Those drivers were only required to pay some fine before they could continue to drive. After the occurrence of many traffic accidents with dire consequences caused by drunken drivers, the government introduced much more severe punishments such as cancelling the driver’s license plus six months’ imprisonment. Since then, the number of drunken driving reduced significantly.

 

Some people might point out that putting a driver in jail for half a year is inhumane if he has not caused any substantive damage or has not been involved in a traffic accident. They are in supportive of more rational approaches. For example, the required time to learn driving skills in a training school should be increased from 50 hours to 100 hours. The test for driving regulations should take up a larger proportion in the whole process of a new driver’s test. Driving offenses, even minor ones, should be connected to one’s credit system, open for one’s employers or banks to check, etc. These approaches are not difficult to enforce and might be easily accepted by all drivers.

 

It is true that both the strict punishments and modest measures can be effective. But in my opinion, for a country like China, where the number of automobiles has been increasing phenomenally and people’s credit system has not been fully built up, it is a better way to take tough actions against driving offenses if the road safety is to be ensured.

 

瞻仰完大神的作品,给诸位深受雅思写作困扰的小伙伴提几点建议:

 

第一,下笔之前审清题!(此处请自行默念三遍,并牢记于心)那些因跑题而严重失分的悲剧仍历历在目,大家切不可掉以轻心,这可是一把悬在雅思考生头顶的达摩克利斯之剑;

 

 

第二,栗子很多考生为了凑字数,翻来覆去各种车轱辘话把自己都写崩溃了,其实要想把抽象的概念说清楚,举例论证可是最简单有效的方法;不过提醒大家不要写太过个人化的事例,不仅缺乏说服力,还可能让考官恍惚间误以为看了你的日记;

 

 

第三,无论是词汇还是语法,都应先力求准确再谈多样化,切忌本末倒置!不要盲目堆砌所谓高大上的长难词汇和复杂句型,却往往连基本的词性和时态都搞错。这样不仅对提高分数然并卵,而且考官看到这样子的作文往往只有心累;

 

第四,合理分段,适当使用逻辑连接词,同时注意标点符号的正确使用。

 

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