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北语雅思名师点评学员剑10大作文习作(原创文章)

(编者注:在刚刚结束的雅思全真模考中,北语雅思使用了剑10 Test3的大作文题:Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are ableto buy the same products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positiveor negative development? 今天,北语雅思曾迪老师在这里对某位同学的习作进行点评。本文为原创文章,转载请注明出自北语雅思。)

 

Task 2 原题

北语雅思学员习作(未经修改) 

Nowadays, people know how an easier access to purchase the same products in any part of the globe with the tendency that countries are becoming increasingly similar. There is a strongly hot debate about both sides of such inevitable development.

Somepeople hold the view that standardized procedures can be obtained no matter what country you are currently in, due to the acceleration of economical globalization. Global villagers are capable to get the up-to-date products without a long tired flight to other countries. Also, villagers enjoy the fascinating lifestyle of convenience. International products become increasingly handy, which can reduce large amount of costs, preserve natural resources and create a competitive trade scope.

Others,however, hold the opposite view of such development. They have the following observations. First, a great many exports may do catastrophic harm to domestic industries. For example, if local people hold firm preference for fabulous exports rather than domestic industries, poor operation management and less project margins can lead to the bankrupt of domestic enterprises. Secondly, an increasing number of international trade barriers will be set up. Local governments may impose tariffs and quotas to ensure international products priced higher than the world price in order to conserve local economy. Finally, if the global countries provided universal products, unique features of each country would be eliminated, which is a massive loss to historic treasures.

In conclusions, people are urgent to adopt appropriate approach to establish a international-harmonious global village.

 

习作点评

 

本文基本切题,能从正反两方面对问题进行分析并结合论据加以支持,结构比较清晰,大部分句子语法和词语用法较为正确,能有较为复杂的句法结构和较为高级的词汇出现,有基本的衔接手段,可以得到6分。

 

主要问题

 

1. 对题目本身的解读

题目的本质是全球化背景下对不同国家同质化的看法,观点应更多集中在“countries become similar”上,比如世界趋同使得不同国家的自身特点和传统文化逐渐消失。习作的后半部分用了相当篇幅讨论进口商品对民族工业的打击和贸易保护政策,似乎有些偏离轨道,但反面第三个观点非常切合题意,值得肯定。

 

2. 文章结构和逻辑性

总体来看,文章第二段(表述正面观点的段落)逻辑较为含混,没有第三段(反面观点段)结构清晰,这其实是多数中国考生大作文最易出现的问题之一,即正反两段行文不匹配,反面比正面写得好,但考官第一眼看到的却是发挥相对不好的段落。

第二段中表述的两个主要观点其实只有一个--convenience,中间用also连接略显牵强(有时其实不必为了追求全面而摆出几个观点,把一个主要观点说明白即可)。Reduce costs, preserve natural resources and create competitivetrade这几个证据不足以支持international products become handy这个观点。

Some people hold theview that”是中国考生最常用的观点引导句之一,但这句话后面跟着的是“products can be obtained no matter which country you are in”,这不是观点而是事实,前后不匹配。

结尾段既没有呼应文章开头,也不是正面或反面观点的延伸,有虎头蛇尾之嫌。

 

3. 语法和词汇(仅举几例)

arecapable to get à are capable of getting

along tired flight à a long tiring flight

holda firm preference for à show a strong preference for

bankruptà bankruptcy

conservelocal economy à protect/support local economy

 

最后给大家奉上官方给出的范文,请认真学习本文陈述观点和论据支持的方法,有说服力的观点是写好大作文的首要因素,否则再漂亮的语言也难以支撑,更何况目前大部分中国考生的实际语言能力还远未达到游刃有余的地步。

 

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